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Aug. 29th, 2004 @ 12:20 pm Thats it...I'm Done...
Current Mood: sad
This is my last journal entry. It was stupid to write my life online where thousands of people can read it. I've hurt people sometimes with what I say even though I don't mean to, and now with whats happening...

So I guess I'll just keep things to myself....write them in a book...where only I can read them and no one else. Someone is coming over and we're going to go somewhere. This has been a help...but now its just a horrible memory. I'll still be in contact with those who still care though.
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Aug. 27th, 2004 @ 08:49 pm No More Tears...
Current Mood: calm
Besides still being nervous and slightly scared, I'm not frustrated anymore. I know where I can go...and who I can turn to...and it doesn't feel bad anymore. I was told Franz went camping for three days. I'm glad that he's adjusting well. I sent his parcel today so it should be on his doorstep by Tuesday at the latest...hope to god that it arrives safely.

I said goodbye to Aiko. It looked like she didn't want to leave but you could tell she was happy to see jess again. Its so quiet here now. No more pitter patter of little footsteps...or the blur of brownish fur trying to run up my livingroom wall.

I have one more day of work...and then Sunday off. With any luck, someone will come to my rescue and go shopping or do something downtown to get my mind off things.

Can't go make a doctor appointment today...but mom will on Monday (she knows the drill on how to make appointments...heh). So with luck I'll see my doctor on Wednesday and see what I can do to change my perspective.

Everyone has been very supportive and I want to thank you all. Heh...that actually made me shed a tear (no joke). A few weeks ago I thought I was alone, but I was shocked (and a little shy) at how many people cared. Its been a tremendous help....and I'll try my hardest not to dissappoint you all.

Anyways...time to chat..cyas

I'm talking to Vee...she said people at work are getting depressed cause i'm all depressed...I didn't know there were others that cared about me. She said I have more friends than I know...so why can't I see that? Vee is trying her damndest to get me to go home NOW rather than in a month. She's also trying to get me on a plane to go see Tash. I already took my vacation, but shes adamant even if they have to put me on stress leave...which I've been thinking of taking at times. Oh god I could really use a friend right now...but its late and I should head off to bed. No workout for today except for the occasional tear jerker....I need to stop doing that. Bye for now.
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Aug. 27th, 2004 @ 08:31 am Scared Beyond Belief..
Current Mood: and scared
I came home late last night to find an emptier shell of what it used to be. The air was chill and the general atmosphere felt like being in that haunted mansion at Disneyland again. I phoned mom and we talked about things and she ordered me to go eat...I didn't eat anything that day, and the rice and macaroni tasted like shit.

I tried going to sleep....didn't till around 2am. This is Aiko's last day at my house. I kinda wish it wasn't, cause her being here was a good distraction from the problems.

I felt pretty sick last night, and I still do....working today is not going to be pretty...I really need to talk to someone, but I guess I'll just be quiet and work like a nice little McJob Employee.

I need help...I want to stop feeling the way I do inside. I'm just so scared of not making it by myself next month if it comes to that...
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Aug. 25th, 2004 @ 02:25 pm A Rainy Day..Inside and Out..
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Enya
Mistakes are human are they not? Yesterday I made a mistake and that has quite possibly ruined a friendship. I go back to that time again and again in my head...wishing to god I didn't say those things...but I did, and I don't blame him for being cross with me.

My life feels like its in a million pieces, like a puzzle, and every piece of that million is in a million pieces as well. It looks so tiny and feeble...exactly what I feel like inside. The rain is coming down harder right now...I feel like I should be out there, standing in it...letting the water soak me till I die of hypothermia.

I didn't get to put out resumes today, I'm ashamed of myself...I should of still. Theres alot I didn't do today. I've spent the last few hours listening to Enya and losing myself in some haunting melodies. I'm going to have dinner over here at my parents house and Ben and Vanessa are coming with the baby. It'll be good to see Max again, I've been told he's getting bigger. I have no idea what I'm going to say to Ben. I just hope its with words and not fists...I'm still pretty upset that he thought I went behind his back to his his kid that one day.

I'm still scared at whats going to happen the next few days. My stomach almost rejected the soup I ate today and I'm not looking forward to supper. I'm going back home later today to finish up on a few things I need to send to Franz tomorrow. Mom stayed home today to spend the day with me...I'm glad she did. She doesn't understand why anyone would write their private thoughts on the internet. I don't know why I don't write things in a book instead...but it helps.

I hope everything goes well these next few days...I'm sick of crying all the time.
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Aug. 24th, 2004 @ 11:58 am A Distraction...
Current Mood: blah
Had a pretty shitty day at work last night. I walked around doing my thing and realized I was all alone. I had this depressing fear creep over me that I truly am going to be a lifer there. Dean was there...but he was always busy so I hardly saw him. After work I came home and sat my ass down in front of the computer again, trying my damndest to make this feeling go away...but it wasn't, instead it surfaced and I spent a while alone, wishing for better times. Lindsey popped on MSN and he came over around 11. We watched Franz' movie of tofino and drank butterscotch Schnapps and various irish things. We talked about how things are different now that Gimpy is gone...just talked about various good times with him and laughed at his and our expenses.

So he stayed till after 3 in the morning. We decided to make asses of ourselves in front of my webcam...got some interesting footage, some we deleted cause no one should see that lol.


Speaking of work...I should go shave....I feel so alone still even though theres a sack of flesh not even 3 feet away from me (I'm getting fed up where I am...I want to run away). We'll see what happens when I get home tonight.
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Aug. 23rd, 2004 @ 09:26 am Restless and Agitated
Current Mood: tired
Aiko kept me from getting a full nights sleep, but I managed to get enough so I didn't feel like killing her outright in the morning. I've been dozing off for a bit on the couch, every so often waking up to grab the cat (who is trying her damndest to get at the fish) and smack her because shes doing something wrong.

Right now I'm feeling exactly as I titled this entry...I dunno why. Ever since I started working out at home I've been finding all this energy and I don't know how to release it. I try phoning around but everyone is working or IS going to work or not at home. So its just me and the cat and my narcoleptic roomate. Its great that it sounds like Lindsey is in the same boat...with nothing really to do on most days. He's ok...but things that sometimes fly out of his mouth make me really upset. Everyone has the right to free speech and all...but there was one time last night I felt like smacking him for his pro-nazi attitude.

I need to go have a shower and get ready for another day of work. I really wish the lotto could come my way. Its $26 million...that could help everyone.

Another day of being bored...I hate these days....but at least its not all the time anymore. Now could anyone set me up with someone so I don't have be ALONE?

Enough said...time to do my daily routine...I want to travel somewhere right now instead.
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Aug. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:10 pm A good night...
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: watching Monster Garage...
Lindsey came back over and we watched his lock, stock, and two smoking barrels....kinda boring except for the parts with the big guns and the action ^_^. We drank a few beer...I taught him how to slice off the top of the beer bottle....he loves it lol.

Then we watched American History X...it was his first time and my FOURTH watching it. He thinks its all "bullocks"...I think he needs a new hobby, but it was nice he came over. We're going to do something later in the week....probably more drinking lol.

So I have 2 1-10's...wed off...thurs 1-10 and fri-sat 10-7. Terry is gone as he has two weeks vacation *cough*asshole*cough*. So I'm stuck with Frankass and whoever is doing Terry's shifts on Tuesday and Thursday.

Aiko has been interested with my fishtank in the living room. I had to smack her off of it at least a dozen times...and John has been doing it for most of the night as well. She's pretty tired so she'll be sleeping good tonight and I can FINALLY get a good nights sleep. I chuckle when I think of how much sleep Ben and Vanessa are getting with a BABY. Mom said its barely 2 or 3 hours each night. Mom herself had only 4 when she took care of him that one day. She swore up and down to me that she would never babysit. I know she misses the feeling of having a baby :P.

Anyways, I should go to bed now. I still need to do some things tomorrow morning early before I go to work (like workout which I neglected to do today...). Until tomorrow night!
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Aug. 22nd, 2004 @ 04:07 pm Hot and Tired
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Watching a movie instead :P
So Lindsey came over early today and we walked to Rogers Video to get a few movies, ate lunch at A&W's and then headed back. We saw Gimpy online and had a one way vid chat with him. He's finally gone to his family's friends house to live the next 2 weeks....and he's not sure if they have internet...thats going to suck.

So Dean tried to e-mail me around 1 cause he forgot my phone number. We had plans but he needed to mow the lawn and do other martha stewart chores....so no going to the pool today.

Lindsey and I biked around Langford...not saying where we went cause a certain person who reads my journal need not know that yet...**chuckles evilly**.

So Lindsey left a little while ago and my roomate is watching AMERICAN HISTORY X for the first time...I think he's shocked lol...its a VERY graphic movie.

So the rest of my night will be spent here...no real place for me to go now. Someone might come over tonight but I dunno.

In anycase, its good to hear Franz is doing fine...even though its boring over there :P. I need to gather things for a surprise. CYAS!
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Aug. 21st, 2004 @ 08:06 pm Worry will forever be strong in me..
Current Mood: worried but calm
Current Music: Skinny Puppy...DUH
Worked my last 10-7 for the week, it went fairly good. Except poor Anne slipped in the deli and hit her head pretty hard on the ground. Lacey said that she can't move her right hand very well and she had a hard time walking around without help. Brandon came by and she went to the hospital. Lacey got off at 5 and went to go see her. I just saw her prior to it too...its another one of those "wish I was there for two more minutes" sort of thing...perhaps I could have made a difference. She slipped on a puddle of water by the deli/meat door (the ceiling was apparently dripping because it was raining pretty hard). Fuck I hate it when people I know are in the hospital...I hope shes ok.

After work, I went with carver to his house...had some tasty dish and grabbed his weights and bar. Came back home and had a shower and then decided to make this. Franz came online and we talked about Anne's accident and he sends his best. Anyways I got to go cause I promised him that I would send him something on e-mail...cyas!
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Aug. 20th, 2004 @ 09:45 pm Surprises...
Current Mood: and headachy
Current Music: Trance..Skinny Puppy...and...anything else..
So I woke up, did my routine...and then checked my MSN. A window popped open and something was said and, naturally because it was morning, I didn't register in my head for a few moments that it was FRANZ who messeged me. HOLY CRAP was it good to hear from him again. So we talked for a bit before I had to run to work...and work didn't bother me AT ALL that day. It was long and hot but now that a load of worry was lifted off of me, I was thinking about my future again and how I'm going to deal with stuff. That didn't really bother me either..although I need to see if I can find anyone at the SUPERSTORE that remembers me, so I can get a reference from them. I'm going to drop off my resume at Thrifty's sometime next week.

So I got home and wanted to shower and move all my breakables away from Aiko, (john is trying to choke me at the moment brb), BUT, Mom and Dad and Jess AND my great aunt Dot decided to come EARLY and drop off Aiko. My good mood was temporarily halted by everyone being in my home when I didn't want them there yet. So I hid in my room with a headache. Mom came into my room (bad thing at the moment) and gave me a hug and felt bad that they came early. I told her it wasn't them. She left and then Jess came in and gave me an 850 word (yes she word checked it..dunno why) essay on how to keep her cat alive (she forgot to mention to not walk her into my store...maybe brendon would like to "pet" her...hehehehe). So they left after half an hour. Then I just plopped my ass on the computer and Franz came online for a bit...talked about stuff I have no idea why I was saying it...too headachy but happy to just TALK to him again. And now...theres about 2 more hours left of wake time, so I guess its going to be weight lifting and then bed, listening to my fav CD and reading a Forgotten Realms book.

Jackie is on and Jess and her are having a crashing contest. Both their computers keep on booting them off MSN. Jess wants me to go onto CAMPUSKISS and try to find someone to go for coffee with. I've made an account but seems that everytime I go on there...its only girls from ontario. Ah well theres still things to do before I find someone, I doubt I'm ready for a relationship right now anyways. I've been looking at courses at Camosun...looking for SOMETHING that I like doing.

I'm going to phone Lindsay tomorrow after work and see whats up. Other than that...I'm just hoping tomorrow's 10-7 will be as fine as today.

I need to hunt down OLD friends...from Saanich. Kieran...Jamie....Phil...Aaron...Ajay...Matt. I've been wondering where they have gone. I know Ajay works for the Ferries...and Matt is persuing a golfing career, but I lost total contact from my elementary school friends. I wonder where they are right now...

Anyways time to go workout since john has vacated the premises. I hope to be able to show people SOMETHING from what I've been trying to do..soon.
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Aug. 19th, 2004 @ 07:22 pm Daydreaming...
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Skinny Puppy tracks 2 and 9 mostly
So I had my first of three 10-7's. It wasn't that bad actually...and the afternoon was joined by Dean and Andrew. So I did my shit and left at 6:30 instead.

So apparently I get the house to myself the rest of the night. John's work is making him do mega overtime again....he's been working like from 9 or 9:30 this morning till 3 am the next day. Plus breaks of course and the shifts are split into three different places. I hope he'll be ok...downtown at night is pretty scary nowadays. Jess has made it a point in her life to check in on me every now and then to see if i'm ok. I feel fine right now...but that could still be because I worked all day and i'm too tired to think of anything else. I've just been stupidly worrying myself to death for really no reason at all. Is that a strength...or a weakness? I dunno but it does mean one thing...I have a heart and I care, unlike certain people **cough**Frankie**cough**...heh.

Speaking of hearts....I got burned over my left side of my chest around the same area as my heart...I guessed I missed a spot when I was putting on sunscreen at Dean's house. I've been more concerned about my back...it seems to be a slight shade of red again...but its not painful like the last time..so its a wait and see tomorrow. I know how to handle it now and i've been treating it with cold showers again to release the heat...just to be sure, but MAN...cold showers suck lol.

So no worries...Ewan does these things to himself...and in that aspect...Ewan will never change....but everything else is getting a damn overhaul lol.
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Aug. 18th, 2004 @ 06:57 pm It Still Hurts...But I'll Be Ok.
Current Mood: exhausted
So Dean came by and we went to Alpine to drop off bottles. Then we came back to my house and grabbed my bike...shoved it into his mom's car, and headed to his house to drop off the car and grab his bike. We Biked ALL the way to Thetis (which made me huff and puff alot, but it was worth it). We took some trails and found Upper Thetis to be virtually abandoned....so we found a quiet spot and dove in. The water was cool but later warmed up. After about an hour though...people started to show up. Especially this one guy just around the corner who refused to wear shorts **shudders**.

So we stayed for a few hours and then biked out and went to A&W's by the highway. Dean saw a friend of his and they exchanged jibes and we ate. Then we took the Galloping Goose back to my house and just chilled for an hour. Dean left a little while ago. So I figured I'd ramble on about the day.

Being out and about helped...but everytime a damn plane flew overhead, I found myself just staring at the sky.

I want to type out everything thats going through my mind..but its all a jumble of words and no sentences...my mind is as tired as my body right now, Jess is going to phone me after she gets off from work and we're going to talk some more. Phoning her last night was probably one of the best choices I could have made. It helped alot...even though I think I made her night pretty depressing.

I need to go make some supper...just another needed distraction....cyas.
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Aug. 18th, 2004 @ 09:06 am 9:06 am
Current Mood: crappy
Last night had to have been the shittiest night of my life. Fortunately...Jess was online and I phoned her out of the blue around 12:30 am. I just needed to talk to someone.

I woke up around 7:30...realized the plane was probably far off by then. Jess told me that his mom gave him something extremely generous...shes such a nice person. I feel a bit better that now he's got something to help him along the way.

I checked my e-mails to find 6 different E-greeting cards from jess to cheer me up....they made me cry instead (but in a happy way..if theres such a way).

Word of caution to any who know me and are going to move....DON'T (j/k). It was very hard to watch another friend go and I think its going to be a few days before I get over it. Dean should be over soon so we can go take most of my bottles to the depot. So I should stop or i'll have a repeat of last night and I don't want him to see that.

I hope I hear from people soon...bye for now.
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Aug. 17th, 2004 @ 11:29 pm The End of Good Times...?
Current Mood: but Happy
So this is it....only a handful of hours before Franz leaves. He told me to not worry about him..lol...I tried...can't, sorry man. These last two days of not talking to him is starting to get on my nerves....I know he was trying his damndest to see all of his friends and do things he could never do back east. I truly hope he was able to do everything he wanted to do. I'm glad I got to know him, and I hope I'll get to see him again in person...just to size him up and see if I can take him on with my newly developed muscles..lol.

Dean and I are going to bike to Thetis tomorrow and explore the backways in. Dunno how to get there...but we'll find SOME way..lol.

I dunno if i'll be able to sleep tonight....its hot and I'm bound to worry more..heh. I'm rambling on again...i'll shut up now.

I'm going to phone mom tomorrow night. I think its time we talk some more. Its helping.

Time to go to bed...until next time.
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Aug. 16th, 2004 @ 09:53 pm Relaxing...
Current Mood: happy
So I woke up early today....showered, and plopped my ass in front of the computer. Franz came by sometime in the morning to get his timetable from the carleton website, something his computer seemed to not want to do, and ran off....so much for him to do and so little time....I hope he gets as much as he can in, without it seeming to be more of a chore than fun.

Besides that break in my anti-social day....nothing much else happened...tried to clear some of my room but instead made more of a mess with the little things spread about in my room. Ah well...I found some things from my childhood that made me pause and lose myself to my ancient past.

Mom phoned, and I asked her what happened to Max on Saturday. She said Ben came and appologized. Of course he would...it'll happen again, I have no doubt about that.

So I have a 7-4 tomorrow...and then wed. off...I was thinking of asking Dean if he wants to bike down to thetis and take the trails down there and go exploring.

As much as I hate to say this...I'm going to stay with Fairways for one more year...then start putting out resumes. I'm going to be real stingy with my money as best as I can and try to save alot of it. Its going to be hard, but I think I can do it...I have to do it....for the greater good of my future.

I guess thats all for now. I'm curious to see what the next few months are going to hold. I hope everything will be fine for everyone else as well.

I'm going to miss these times....going out...having friends over...drinking in excess (oh I'm sure there will still be those days lol)....but the nice part is that its not bothering me like it used to. A few weeks ago I would be in my home looking back at good times, and just break down in frustration and cry. I'm not ashamed of saying it...I cried...its a human thing to do. I've learned since that you can't dwell on the past...its how you live in the present that matters. I feel more secure about my present than ever before. I know there will be more trials ahead...but I can finally handle them on my own.

So that all said and done....I guess all I can do now is spend the next few hours here and then head off to bed.

I finally feel FREE....thank you. This is the year I will always remember....I think I'm going to beat up john now...just something to do...cyas ^_^.
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Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 11:37 pm Cya Soon....
Current Mood: happy
I went to Franz' house for dinner. At first it was awkward as I was the only friend there amongst his family, but they all warmed up to me and the beer helped the shyness go away..lol. Dinner was great...lots of things to choose from and everyone was getting their last jibes at Franz...much to his dismay...hehehe. After Dinner though...his sister was challenged to hang upside down in the tree out back in the ropes for as long as she could....and she fell and had to go to the hospital and have her head stiched up. I felt so bad for Maria....but her Uncle felt worse...he was the one who dared her, but accidents happen and she'll be ok.

So while most of the party was at the hospital. Franz and I drank cup after cup of coffee and just talked about computers with his Aunt. Holy crap she knows her shit...lol.

I dunno what else to say...I had a great time and I'm not going to lie...its going to be boring when he goes...but theres still things to do, like saving up for a kickass vacation (dunno where still yet....but theres plenty of time).

So I got tomorrow off...and I'm going to spend the day grabbing all I don't want in my house and putting it in a corner for anyone who wants whatever is there. I'm going to go cause I feel supper/booze/coffee churning inside my stomach :P

Cya all later!
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Aug. 14th, 2004 @ 12:07 pm Grrrr
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Enya
Just going to belt out something here....I phoned work to see if I had to work Sunday...yes I do at 7-4. The thing that got me pissed off is that Terry answered and Frank was beside him and I heard in chinese he asked who it was and Terry replied with the commonly used guitzeye. I hate that term...it means "white devil" or something. Tomorrow if I see Steve i'm going to let him know about it. I have a name....why can't they use it?

I just got off the phone with mom...been talking to her for about 40 minutes I guess. I've been pacing back and forth most of the day. I talked to her about whats been bothering me...most of it anyways. She told me that for a few months, she has noticed a change in me....she knows that its come time for me to change from what I am, to something more. I told her about my weights, about work, about some of my problems with Ben, and all those years of lost time, and we talked about me going back to school one day....and this big trip I wish to have sometime next year. I also told her about my breakdowns at work and at home...but I told her they have stopped for about a week now and things don't seem to bother me as much anymore. I love my mom so much....she always gets stuck in the middle of things and still she shines through it all. She deserves a vacation more than me.

I feel better after talking to her. I should have done that a long time ago.....but there were bigger problems at home...so I kept it to myself. I think its time I go meet that special someone now....over the last 6 years I've had chances...but was too afraid to ask. Its about time I change this.

I think I'm going to take a nap. Waiting for people to phone back is tiresome.
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Aug. 13th, 2004 @ 12:46 pm Interesting news...
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Skinny Puppy CD (I love this CD!)
My brothers GF has a temperature and can't look after the kid. So he's at my mom's house and I can FINALLY go see him.....if it weren't for me having LAUNDRY DAY and I have to do some before I go....

Plus I'm sore from working out...this is going to be an interesting bike ride lol.

LATER TODAY:

I finally saw my nephew...he's so cute, like a puppy lol. I held him for about 20 minutes and he looked up at me and smiled and then fell back asleep. Ben phoned later and mom said I was there and he wanted to talk to me. I answered the phone and all I got was flaq about how he asked me if I wanted to go see max a week ago and I said no cause I was busy. THEN he said he was pissed off at me cause mom kept on saying that I wanted to see him. I did want to see him, for the longest time, but Ben made it seem like since I said no that time...I had no right to go over to mom's house to see him there. Ummm...if I'm not mistaken...its mom and dad's house and he has no say if I go over there or not. Jess came over too and ben heard and he got really pissed. I have no clue why he acts this way....he has always acted this way for years. So I told him off on the phone and gave it to mom and went into the computer room. Ben told mom that he didn't want her to show Max to people without him or Vanessa there. I even heard he denied Grandma to enter the house to see Max.

In any case...Dad got home and he's not amused one bit that Ben was telling people who could come over to my parents house. Ben's coming over tomorrow to collect his son...apparently he's pissed off that Jess and I saw him without permission.

I hope that wasn't the last time I see my Nephew....

In other news, I went with Craig and Lori to go see ALIENS VS. PREDATOR....GOOD MOVIE. I recommend everyone to go see it.

I went into work later today to find Frankie has NOT made my schedule for next week. I have to go in later on Saturday to see if he booked me for Sunday....and have him take it off.

I feel so energized from working out. I rode my bike all over the place today as well. I'm going to go play some Icewind Dale now...cyas.
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Aug. 13th, 2004 @ 02:21 am So Sore...and Tired
Worked and then around 5, chris and I headed to SportsChek and bought my weight stuff...after we headed to Alzu's to meet up with carver...took forever to order...and then headed to Vanalman rd. to meet Sam, who was teaching a Tae Kwon Do class. So we stayed after school and messed around with the punching bags and other stuff. Then we headed back to my house to put together my bench.

So I did my thing...my arms are so sore from lifting 20lbs each. I loved it...I want to do it again tomorrow but I was told not to till Saturday.

I'm tired now so I'm going to bed....cyas ^_^
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Aug. 12th, 2004 @ 05:55 am Long Day Ahead...
Current Mood: tired
Well..besides still being pissed about editing the video (I'll try to see if I can get some cheap software), Today feels different....in a good way I hope. Hopefully my ride won't get called into work, AND I'll be up to $500 poorer but it'll be worth it. The next two days I'll be working out and come Sunday...I'll be very sore but happy that I've finally changed a part of my old ways.

Hopefully after today...Work will be the next thing I change...

You know...lately I've been going out alot with people....I hope this never changes back to me sitting on the computer, most of the night.

I watched a portion of the footage of the camping trip....It looks like they had alot of fun.

Time to go to get ready for work...Cya later!
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